For one thing there is capitalisation where perhaps it should be left out. I notice this when I am reading other people's work, that there is a convention that has capitalisation for the Dom and lower case for the sub, as I have just demonstrated in this sentence. I have never adhered to this in the past. If I write a simple "Yes, sir!" then I use lower case. Does that annoy people I wonder, who expect the dom to be Dom?
Answers in a comment please - I'm interested.
Anyway, I have used capitals in the new book when the Dom is being addressed, but in this piece I think it appropriate. So taking it to the book title I think it should therefore be 'two fags for...' at the beginning and capitals thereafter.
But what about Gus? That's the name of the character and I'm keeping it, but in the book he has a cyber name which is 'Alpha Jock' (yeah I know, another Scotsman - bit it's a kind of trademark, and I do identify, so I have no intention of breaking the mould). I think Alpha Jock sounds better, and to emphasise his superiority right from the outset, I reckon the book title should be, and presented as such:
two fags for...
THE ALPHA JOCK
Or does that sound like I'm taking the piss?